Emotional Intelligence: A Path to Full, Whole, Healthy Leadership

Emotional Intelligence: A Path to Full, Whole, Healthy Leadership

August 12, 2020
Coaching

Emotional Intelligence | Livestream Series

Ep. 01 / 05 [RECAP]: EQ: A Path to Full, Whole, Healthy Leadership

How you “show up” for others is incredibly important. It impacts every relationship you have. Your level of emotional intelligence (EQ) is the primary contributor to the way you interact with others, respond to adversity, and affect change in the world around you. 

Our coaches, Dr. Chris Auger and Jesse Parrish, help their clients to better understand themselves through exercises and objective guidance in self-awareness and emotional intelligence. They have a lot of experience in this arena! 

So, we published a 5-part series on Emotional Intelligence through Facebook Live, and wanted to share the recordings with you here. We kicked off the series with a foundational look at EQ and how it leads to a full, whole, healthy life.

Episode 01 (of 05)

Kick-off to EQ and How it Leads to a Full, Whole, Healthy Life

In This Episode
  • What coaching means to WinShape Teams (and why we’re offering this service)
  • Get to know our coaches
  • What differentiates WinShape Teams coaching vs other coaching organizations
  • How emotional intelligence fits into coaching
  • What it means to be emotionally intelligent

 

 

Watch the Recording →
Read the Transcript →

Read on for a full transcription of our discussion, featuring Teddy Sanders as host, interviewing WinShape Teams Coaches, Dr. Chris Auger and Jesse Parrish.

Bonus: Free Resource!

Get Dr. Chris Auger’s latest eBook on Emotional Intelligence →

 


Read the Transcript

Teddy Sanders:

Welcome to WinShape Teams and our discussion on emotional intelligence and coaching. My name is Teddy Sanders. I’m one of the Client Relationship Coordinators here at WinShape Teams. I’m joined by Dr. Chris Auger, and Mr. Jesse Parrish. Today, what we’re going to be doing is we’re going to be speaking a little bit more about what is coaching, why is it important, and why is emotional intelligence key to that? Now, we had this planned several weeks ago and we wanted to go through with it, but we also wanted to recognize that life has changed a lot for folks in the last week or so. We recognize that people are hurting, and we recognize that we don’t understand that. You are looking at three middle aged white men up on a stage right now. We just want to say that we are in a position where we want to listen, to know, and to hear to understand. We want to be able to do that to be the best advocates for change moving forward. Jesse, why don’t you tell us a little bit more about who we are at WinShape Teams?

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yeah Teddy, I appreciate that. Just again, to echo, man, it’s really our desire to seek to understand, and use this idea of emotional intelligence as a tool in order to do that. Today really, is a conversation between us on what does that look like and how do we approach that? For WinShape Teams, as a whole, we’ve been an organization that’s existed since 1991 as a team and leadership development organization. We started out primarily experiential learning, so the challenge course, zip-line, that kind of world. We use that tool of experiential learning to pair it with this idea of development, helping someone learn, see, and understand what leadership is and how to team better.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Over the years, we’ve had a lot of opportunities to grow and mature in that, to where today, I’d say, man, we do an excellent job of pairing meaningful content, primarily around servant leadership, teamsmanship and followership, and engaging interactive experiences. We put those two things together and provide a great transformational platform, I think, to address people’s beliefs, their attitudes, their mindsets and the behaviors that they have as leaders, team members and followers. That’s a little bit of what we do, is create that space for transformation.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Awesome. Well, before we get into hearing a little bit more about y’all stories, we have a live chat going on. Why don’t you say hello, let us know where you’re hailing from right now. Then also, if you have any questions that come up, go ahead and put that into the feed, and we’ll get into that near the end of our conversation. That being said, Dr. Chris Auger, I’m going to call you Chris, is that okay?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Yeah, okay.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Okay. I appreciate that, and formality, I appreciate it. Tell me a little bit more about what brought you to WinShape Teams, and just a little bit more about your story.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Okay. A little bit about my story. I spent almost 28 years in the Navy Seal Teams. About 1987, I left college and was going to let the Navy pay for it, and then took the test to get into the Seals and passed, and went through the program and made it through the program, and then just fell in love with being in the Seal Teams. I love the small team environment. That’s anything from you, yourself, and two people, or all the way up to a couple of few hundred people, which that’s the breadth of my career there. At the back end of my career, unfortunately, I put about eight lifetimes on my spine according to my spinal surgeon. After a couple of surgeries, he suggested I find a different occupation because doing what I was doing was not safe anymore.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I said, “Okay, I’ll retire.” As I headed into retirement, I looked at my bride and said, “I’m going to have so much time on my hands.” She said, “I’m not going to be your hobby in retirement.” I went, “Okay, well then I’ll go back to school.” I already had a masters so I was going to shoot for a doctorate, and she, knowing how OCD I am about grades, she said, “I don’t want you to go back to school.” I go, “Well, then you get to be my hobby.” Then she said, “Yeah, I go back to school.” I went back to school at Regent University in Virginia Beach, Virginia, and pursued a Doctorate in Strategic Leadership with a concentration in Leadership Coaching, which coupled the board certification I have in coaching that I obtained in the final years of my military career.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

We’ll talk more about how I got into coaching a little bit later on, but we went back to Virginia Beach from San Diego, and it was a great move. Four days without the radio, just me and my bride, and we did that intentionally, and it was just surprisingly awesome. Then my daughter came cross country and she fell in love with a gentleman in Georgia, which mom basically said, “Hey, how come she gets two and I get none?” It turned into, “Hey, let’s go find a house in Georgia so we can be next to those future grandkids.” Getting through the school, my wife looked at me and said, “Is it about time for you to start looking for a job with all the schooling you’re getting?” I said, “Okay, I’ll look at Chick-Fil-A.”

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Moving through a Chick-fil-A process of going for one of their positions prepared me for the position here at WinShape Teams. Summer of 2017, I was recruited to come to WinShape Teams. I went through the very laborious, or extensive process of interviewing for the position, and it worked out to my favor. Unfortunate for the other person, but great for me, and I started working here at WinShape Teams in 2017. It’s been just a wonderful experience ever since.

 

Teddy Sanders:

I appreciate the word usage of extensive rather than arduous. Very political. Jesse, tell us a little bit about yourself and why you were a Clemson fan before they got good.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Oh, Clemson. Oh, you’re going there. Straight at it. Okay.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Oh yeah. Sure. Why not?

 

Jesse Parrish:

All right. Well, I married into the Clemson family. They won me over, and I will have to say, the first time I met my in-laws was at a Boston College – Clemson game, and I cheered for Boston college. I definitely ingratiated myself into the family there. But no …

 

Teddy Sanders:

This was pre-Dabo though. Right? Terry Bowden?

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yeah. Very beginning of Dabo. They won me over. My wife and I have been happily married for the past 10 years, have a five-year-old son named Noah. He’s getting to that age where, man, hiking and fishing and bike rides and having those little father-son-dad conversations are really starting to happen. It’s just a blast to be a husband and a father at this moment in time. I’ve been a part of the WinShape family for about 10 years now. Started at the retreat center that we have here, carrying luggage, and always looked down at WinShape Teams and went, “Oh, that looks fun.” The challenge course that they had, the team and leadership development, and really desired to be a part of that.

 

Jesse Parrish:

It took a little detour before I started with Teams. Got a master’s degree in professional counseling and spent about six years as a licensed therapist. Worked in a psychiatric hospital, worked as a general practitioner, and then finally made my way here as a team and leadership development facilitator. Over the past six, seven years, been able to work my way through the system. Now, I have the privilege of being both a coach, alongside Chris here. Thanks for the inspiration and the challenge along the way. And also, get to serve as the Manager of Programming for our WinShape Teams department. Fun stuff. It’s been a blast and a journey. It’s just an exciting time, I think, in our history as we’re rolling out and discovering these new opportunities to serve.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Yeah. Well, before we move on to why coaching, maybe hear a little bit more of y’all’s stories in that, what is one thing from each of you that you have found surprising that you’ve learned about yourself during the isolation season that we find ourselves in?

 

Jesse Parrish:

Patience is a big thing for me. I typically am a pretty even keeled person, but being at home all the time, and just around family and kids and really trying to navigate my son just wanting to always be around me, and having a team that’s going through massive change as well as we’re discovering what the new normal looks like. The Lord has definitely been teaching me patience, how to be gracious and merciful to myself, and hopefully, lead well and consistently for my team. It’s just been such a learning process, but if I had to boil it down to one, it’s been an exercise of learning patience.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I’d have to say for me, it’s just something that I’ve been on a journey for, for quite some time, and that’s just the ability to express and be more empathetic. Not just empathetic in here, like, okay, I can see it from your perspective, but empathetic from a perspective where I’m communicating, “Yes, I’ve heard you and I understand you.” That’s just been, you go from not being home for 50, 60 hours a week to being home all the time. It’s an adjustment, and it can be rather radical.

 

Teddy Sanders:

I give that a lot of half-finished projects in our house was well intentioned, and then life happens, and then it’s like, okay, we’ll get to that. Sorry. Really appreciate you guys talking a little bit more and letting us know a little bit more about each one of you. Now, let’s move into coaching itself. So, why coaching and what was that catalytic moment for each one of you that said, “Man, I would love to do this. This is really tugging on my heartstrings in that arena of we get to serve folks and we get to serve them well.”

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yeah. For WinShape Teams, why coaching? I’d say there’s a couple of things. One, just our own personal experience. Myself, Chris, a lot of the leadership team both past and present have been through coaching themselves, or are currently engaged with coaches. We’ve had the opportunity to reap the benefits of having someone come alongside us and ask probing questions, provide meaningful space to wrestle and think through some of the challenging issues that we’ve faced along the way, whether it be how to lead team or follow, and what the implications of these decisions are on our business. It’s just been very helpful for us. Personal experience is a big catalyst for that.

 

Jesse Parrish:

I’d say two, just alignment with our mission. As an organization, we seek to build strong, healthy, fulfilling teams that change the world around them. Those teams are made up of individuals. Those leaders are individuals. The opportunity that a coach has is to come alongside in a one-on-one in-depth relationship and help move, guide, hold accountable, push, challenge someone towards full whole healthy leadership, teamsmanship, followership, and they can lead out of that, that abundance. Finally, we finally have the right people in place, I think.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Chris, with your experience and background and your passion for coaching, really being a catalyst to that, Teddy with your history, coming on board and providing your perspective and scope, and me stepping into that from the counseling world, the combination of a lot of different perspectives, and experience and many folks behind the scenes to support that has really led to this moment to say, hey, I think we can step into that world based on WinShape Teams’ 30 years of experience and our own personal journeys as well. It also, just personally, aligns with my own mission, what I do myself in my life, and my personal mission statement of leading others to deeper self-understanding, empowered making and purposeful living for the sake of their joy and God’s glory. Man, that’s coaching to a T, I think, at least from my perspective. How about you, Chris?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I think for me, it really came to light when I was in that phase of recovering from the surgeries, and I was introduced to an emotional intelligence assessment by a professional coach, Dr. Cathy Greenberg, and the CEO of Multi-Health Systems who owns that particular assessment, and on a phone call with them, them coaching me through what my emotional intelligence is … what I assessed it to be through that assessment. Then really going home to my girls and saying, “Hey, this assessment says I don’t have … my empathy is a bit low. I think I’ve got plenty of empathy,” and them both looking at me and laughing and saying, “Maybe not so much.” That brought it to fruition at how useful or helpful that could be, which led into me experimenting and seeking out a level of coaching, formal coaching.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Because I was looking at it from a perspective of the Seal Teams. They do very good at the tactical, the operational, and even the strategic, but some of those leadership skills like relationship building and emotional pieces, maybe not so much. I know from being overseas in Pakistan, after we had [inaudible 00:13:14] that having some emotional intelligence would have helped work with the diplomatic Corps that was over there, because they have a different culture than I had from being in the military. It became very apparent that that would have been helpful to have that elevated. I went and got formal coaching, but then brought that back into the community and realized that we could assess our operators early and often, and then employ some of our more senior leadership to be coaches, formerly trained in how to use those assessments to be more effective, not only within the platform of being a special operator, but in their home lives, with each other, and just outside the organization as a whole.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

That’s when I fell in love with it, became board-certified, and realized just, it was really what I’d been doing my entire career with others and seeking to help others grow and become better. It was just a natural fit for me to take, speaking of life purposes, the time talent skills, and experiences I’ve been blessed with to come alongside others, to serve and help them on their journeys to significance in His kingdom. It’s what I can do. That’s why I find WinShape so fulfilling. I get to do that on a daily basis. They say, if you find something, no, don’t tell him. Or you do it for free, do that, because that’s how fulfilling it is for me to be here and to be able to pour into others. Each morning, in quiet time, I’m thankful for the opportunity to come alongside others and pour into them from the time, talents and experiences that I’ve had.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Hearing a little bit more of why coaching for each one of you and a little bit of the understanding of where it comes from, who would benefit from WinShape Teams coaching? Where is that sweet spot for us that differentiates us from the executive coaches, from the 25-year-old life coaches, from all these individuals who that is their title? How do we differentiate ourselves in a space that feels full right now?

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yeah. Go for it.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I think the strongest premise that we have here, and we spoke to somebody about consulting some time ago in coaching. His big thing was, find your niche and then grow from that. I think our niche is that servant leadership, teamsmanship and followership. The cornerstone of our coaching is really framed from a leadership perspective of servant leadership. We can take that and anchor everything that we do to that, and then we couple that with a level of self-awareness. Those two are a very powerful combination. In fact, there are a lot of threads between self-awareness and servant leadership and Galatians 5:23, the fruit of our spirit. When we thread those together, it truly is a cornerstone that we can actually coach from.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yeah, we summarize servant leadership in many of our conversations and experiences as, a servant leader is someone that’s compelled by the unshakable desire to enrich the lives of others. We’re starting with this premise, in desiring to be servant leaders in a servant-led organization and servant-led coaches, asking ourselves, what does coaching look like as we seek to enrich the lives of others? As we sat down and talked about it, we really were looking at what’s the combination of our passions, our giftings and what we believe the Lord has equipped us with, and the needs that we see in the world that are around us, that we can speak to. I think that we walked away with four key areas that we’re basing our coaching off of. One of those is servant leadership.

 

Jesse Parrish:

How do we develop and equip those individuals to go and enrich the lives of those that are around them? Again, whether that’s families, whether that’s communities, whether that’s the careers that they’re in, teams that they’re on, you name that context. What does it look like to practically equip someone to enrich the lives of others as a leader, team member, or a follower? We desire to come alongside others and help support that. Three other pillars, if you will, are things like this idea of life planning. Breaking down our month, our week, our days and going, how am I structuring my life? What are the decisions that I’m making, the very practical decisions that I’m making, and where are they getting me? What’s the direction that I’m heading in, and how do I organize my life in a meaningful and constructive way?

 

Jesse Parrish:

That’s done in light of two other pieces, I think, that I’ll let you speak to. One of those is this legacy point of view, something that we walk through in some of our programs and walk through others in our coaching. The other one is this emotional intelligence piece, which is just so broadly applicable in so many different realms. Chris, I’d love for you to speak a little bit more in-depth on what those are.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Well, we’ve come to discover this concept of a legacy point of view. It involves looking where you’ve been, where are you at, and then where are you going. The realization for a lot of folks that have been through that is that, regardless, we’re creating a legacy, and nobody really puts legacy into thought until maybe towards the latter part of our lives, maybe even the end, but the reality is we’ve been building it the entire time. We can either let the legacy happen, like change. We can either let it happen to us and then react to it, or we can be a lot more intentional and we can lead through that change and affect the future and create the change that we would like. Same thing with a legacy. We can choose to lead towards the legacy that we want.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

We’re going to leave the person in the mirror to that destination so that when it’s our time to leave this big ball called earth, we can actually be confident that we’re leaving the legacy. We didn’t leave anything on the table. We pretty much used life to its fullest and its deepest to add value to others. How do we do that in a way that has got intentionality and awareness to it? That’s a lot of what that legacy point of view does for us. It’s values creating and being able to make good decision based off of a core set of values. It’s looking at the past, building a picture of the future. If I were to pass next year, can I go to that destination and look back and say, “Yeah, I left a solid legacy for those behind me.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

If I left tomorrow, would I be happy with the legacy I have now? If the question’s not yes, then why not, and then, what do I do about it? That legacy point of view perspective, it really builds on that, and gives people a level of focus and a destination to move towards. Then the emotional intelligence piece, that really ties into the overall self-awareness. We use a couple of different assessments to build on that, but there’s this idea of knowing our preferences and our priorities, but then, with the EQ piece, it’s how do I then show up with those preferences and priorities, and then how do I move forward in them as I receive other people’s information? How do I couple that with mine and then lead more effectively?

 

Teddy Sanders:

Emotional intelligence. That’s what we’re going to be doing over the remainder of this session and the subsequent four sessions. Let’s jump into that. What is emotional intelligence? I think that feels very buzzwordy right now. Let’s make it Teddy proof or idiot proof, as I like to say. Break it down to its simplicity of what it is and why is it so important, especially in a coaching relationship?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Well, it’s not only important in a coaching relationship, the idea, EQ or our emotional quotient, as Jesse alluded to, we have many different spheres of influence that we have, family, work, friends, church, softball team, whatever it is. Within each of those spheres, we have many roles. Emotional intelligence plays a key part in all of those. Jesse will talk about some of the benefits of emotional intelligence, but when we think deck plate level, Teddy proof, as you say, is that emotional intelligence is a set of emotional and social skills that we use to be able to appropriately perceive and express ourselves, maintain and build and develop strong, healthy relationships, cope with challenges, and then just be able to use emotional information in an effective way.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

It’s not manipulation or anything like that. It’s just understanding that, if you step into a very volatile situation, you have the ability to recognize it is for what it is, and then be able to make the proper dial adjustments left or right so that everybody feels well about that particular situation and you can lead through it more appropriately.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Jesse, thoughts.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yeah. You may have heard the phrase of the quote, wherever you go, there you are. Yes, of course. Emotional intelligence deals with that. Wherever you are, there you are, and you’re reacting and you’re responding and you’re taking in information, and it affects your mindsets, it affects the emotions that you exhibit and display and feel along the way. Emotional intelligence is all about how do I navigate that? I love the verse, 1 Thessalonians 4:4, “Know your vessel so that you can navigate it with dignity and honor.” That’s in essence what emotional intelligence is getting at. How do you navigate yourself with dignity and honor? So that, hopefully, at the very end, you are enriching the lives of those that are around you. You’re serving others really well.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Even just bare bones of what emotional intelligence is, because it is a very complex topic. It deals with the psychology of you, it deals with your temperament, it deals with the social things that are going on in the life around you, the relationships that you have. It deals with your beliefs and how you respond when those beliefs are challenged. It’s again, very complex and deep topic. On the bare bones, it’s four things. It is your self-awareness. I’m summarizing Daniel Goleman who wrote a book on Emotional Intelligence in the 1980s. Know yourself, and then control yourself, manage those emotions. Understand what you are, what you have, manage that, control that.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Then, it’s that social intelligence piece. Know others, be aware of who is around you, what’s going on, the relational components and needs that other people have, and then serve others. That’s our phrasing. Based on what I know about myself, how I’m controlling and managing myself, based on what I see in the world around me and those that are going … the relationships that I have with others, what can I do now to step into that into a meaningful servant hearted way with the desire to enrich others? That’s basically what we’re going to be covering the next four sessions, is just looking a little bit more in-depth around each one of those topics and saying, what is the practical application? What’s just a nugget from the depth of this topic of knowing yourself. What’s just a nugget that we can take and apply now to help us grow, to help us seek to understand, to help us listen to hear and respond appropriately in the world that’s around us with whatever’s going on in any situation?

 

Teddy Sanders:

Understanding that this is a complex issue and it’s never as simplistic as we desire it to be, if you could break it down to, and finish this statement, an emotionally intelligent person is blank. How would you respond to that?

 

Jesse Parrish:

I think an emotionally intelligent person displays the fruit of the spirit. They’re loving, kind, gentle, patient, faithful, self-controlled. You see and experience that from someone who has emotional intelligence, and seeks to grow in that. There are so many people, over the course of my life, where I’ve come across them and crossed paths and been, “Man, they’re just an oasis of peace.” They are an oasis of kindness and care. They don’t get flustered, they don’t get rattled, they’re not just reacting to everything that goes on around them. They help bring peace to me and perspective. I’d say an emotionally intelligent person, at least initially, is just someone that embodies and seeks to embody the fruit of the spirit.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I would take that same definition and use that, but here he already did.

 

Jesse Parrish:

I stole it.

 

Teddy Sanders:

I think the scientific term is ditto. I think that’s what it is.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

But I’m going to move past ditto, and I’m going to say, an emotionally intelligent person, because if we look at the leaders, the most effective coaches we’ve ever experienced, the most effective leaders that are out there, they had this innate emotional intelligence about them, and they have the ability to use that in such a way that they draw people in, they attract and pull people in towards them. What they really do is that, without knowing it, or realizing it, or in some intentional spaces, they draw out of people much more than they would ever get from just themselves. A good coach is going to reach into somebody and help them discover their true potential at a much higher level.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

When we talk about coaches and emotional intelligence, but specifically somebody who has a high level of emotional intelligence, people gravitate toward them. I think everybody can actually stop for a moment and think about somebody that was emotionally intelligent and had good empathy and had a good awareness and sought to improve others. Just had a good, healthy, emotional intelligence, they would find that they were probably drawn to them in a unique kind of way. They just pull people in. People that have blind spots tend to push people away, but people that are emotionally intelligent and very self-aware and use that well will pull people in, and pull people together in community.

 

Teddy Sanders:

That’s a great point. I would echo that both of you are an oasis of peace and individuals who pull people in. You have a very trusting aura about you, where people want to tell you their stories because you guys have that. Thank you for telling us your stories. Thank you so much for educating us and making it Teddy proof. I appreciate that. Over the next several weeks at Thursday, at 3:00 PM Eastern, you can come back here, and we are going to follow this up with more information on EQ and how that can best be utilized in your day to day.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Our moderators have been viewing our chats. We have some questions on that. One of the questions that I’m actually going to jump in first and ask is, we’ve gotten to know a little bit more about the two of you. Who is a character and literature, film, modern culture, who you find yourself gravitating towards of like, “Hey, I wish I was this person,” and then who’s a character who you’re like, “Oh, but this is actually who I am?’

 

Jesse Parrish:

Fictional or …?

 

Teddy Sanders:

You can say anybody except Jesus.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Except Jesus. Okay.

 

Teddy Sanders:

I mean aspirationally, of course.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Okay. I’ll go ahead and share one of like, hey, I desire to be like this … I was watching just an online class that Doris Kearns Goodwin Jr. Junior? No. Doris Kearns Goodwin, author, historian was speaking about … she was talking about Abraham Lincoln. Man, what an emotionally intelligent guy, and just the power that he had to sustain, maintain and be a life-giving person throughout, man, all that he experienced. A particular story that she was sharing of, whenever he would experience a frustrating interaction or being challenged by political rivals or anything like that, he’d go back to his office. He’d write what was called a heartache, just a letter to that person that vented everything, and then he’d take that and he’d put it in a drawer, and just release that emotional attention that he was feeling.

 

Jesse Parrish:

I was like, man, the presence of mind to not just react at the drop of a hat to frustrations that are going on, but be able to go back and process through what’s happened, what’s going on, and then put that aside and then respond appropriately, was just usually inspirational to me. Him, and I’ll say Gandalf, from Lord of the Rings. There we go.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I’m mixing up all my characters between movies right now. No, I think …

 

Jesse Parrish:

[crosstalk 00:30:12].

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I’ll move past that. I think the one I would like to strive to be the most like would be Return of the King. Who’s the King?

 

Jesse Parrish:

Aragorn.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Aragorn. Probably have the skills of Legolas, but feel oftentimes a lot like Rodney Dangerfield. I’ll go with that for now.

 

Teddy Sanders:

It’s funny how everybody mentioned Lord of the Rings and Tolkien’s writing because for me, it’s Sam. I have this desire to just be that ultimate champion for folks, and Sam is that, and he bears the burden at times. Then who I actually am is Hagrid from Harry Potter because I mean, look at me. Why not? Question from the chat. What is a recent book that you are reading to grow, and either your knowledge understanding, or just how to best improve your IQ?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Interesting, because the book I’m reading right now is called the EQ Shinobi, and the author makes the comparison of being a coach with emotional intelligence and the process of a samurai warrior and the things they had to do to be able to be as effective an expert as they were. I think the one thing that I’ve gotten out of it so far, I’m only about halfway through it is that, this concept of having an awareness of your EQ identity, and that’s coming from a self-assessment. Well, then coupling that with your EQ reputation, with your different roles and spheres of influence. We may think, like I thought I had great empathy, but when I went to my family sphere, realized that maybe not so much, and I’ve got work to do in that particular area.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

This idea of understanding that different peer groups, or maybe my boss, or direct reports will have … I’ll have a different EQ reputation with each of those, and how do I make micro adjustments for macro impact to really be more effective and be who he has designed me to be for them is really … how do I build a better me for them and then letting me serve them? It’s been a very fascinating book to put it into that perspective of EQ identity versus the EQ reputation.

 

Jesse Parrish:

I actually just finished, a couple of days ago, a biography surprise, surprise, another one on Ulysses S. Grant, general and civil war and president during the whole reconstruction phase. It’s been a fascinating read from one, just a leadership perspective, but two, just given the current climate and environment and all of the issues that are really being made known in a very powerful way in the world around us. That read has really given me a lot of context for some of the hurts and wounds and challenges than a lot of people are experiencing, and have experienced for hundreds of years. I’d say one, just reading that history has helped develop an awareness, both self-awareness and awareness of others that has really evoked a lot of sorrow and care, and again, desire to be more self-aware in just many different contexts that I haven’t necessarily had a top of mind as of now, or until now.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Sure. Another question to look into a little bit more is, when we talk about emotional intelligence, can you provide an example of a successful situation of applying EQ in your life? You mentioned even the empathy with your girls of, hey, I think I’m an empathetic person, right? They snicker and they’re like, “Yeah. How do you want us to respond to this? Where have you seen that been most effective? Has it been friends? Has it been family? Has it been work? Has it just been a combination? Can you give us an example?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I think for me, my original foray into EQ as an executive officer of a command, so you’re number two in command of about 60 different people in this case, civilians, contractors, junior sailors, and senior officers all coming together for a particular mission. What I had realized through the emotional intelligence assessment is, is that given my drive and social responsibility and self-actualization, I had a desire to feed the machine and answer the CEO’s call, but didn’t realize I was running over everybody to get that to happen. Going into meetings, and I had trained my staff not to come to meetings prepared because they knew I was going to tell them what to do, when to do, how to do it.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

When I realized that that’s what I was doing and there were many ways to get to Z, A to Z is just a start pointing and an end point, but there’s lots of ways to do that, mine isn’t the only one. The EQ piece was, okay, so how do I affect my emotional intelligence in a way, show empathy, build relationships, reflective listening, using skills and things we’ll talk about in the next few series? That enabled me in the moment to connect with them in a way, and then turn the command on a dime and then challenge them to do the voodoo that I knew they could do.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Basically, I got quiet. I used reflective listening, cleaned off my desk, turned off my computer monitors so people didn’t come in and I continued working while they were trying to talk to me, being emotionally present, and present. I was present there, but I was eye to eye and actually discerning what they were saying to me. Freaked my sailors out a couple of times when I was doing that with them, but they got the message that I was there for them. I was like, wow, this is working pretty good at work. I wonder what it would look like at home. I took it home and just started trying to build that relationship and be more emotive at what was happening in here rather than just the poker face most of the time.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

The relationship with my daughter improved, the relationship with my wife improved. It was just a eureka aha moment going, okay, I really wish I’d have found this about 10 years ago because I was unaware. I didn’t know I didn’t have that. Then in doing that, it’s just been … it’s why I’m so passionate about EQ today is because I know the impact that it can have on somebody’s whole life, not just a sliver of it, but its entirety.

 

Teddy Sanders:

I couldn’t tell that you were passionate about it, so I appreciate you putting it out there.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

[crosstalk 00:37:04].

 

Teddy Sanders:

Jesse, you got a quick example.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yeah. Chris and I are on different ends of the spectrum where, I know we’ve had conversations and you’ve been the ready fire aim guy, like charging, get things done, tell folks what to do. For me, naturally, I’m on the other side of the spectrum, where I may have, in my history, been overly empathetic, or overly accommodating and not speak up, not be decisive, not be assertive in things that would be beneficial for me or for others to speak up about. A lot of my EQ journey has been giving myself a voice, empowering myself to be able to speak up. A simple example, in the work world, the present world, is just public speaking. I hate it. I don’t like it. I get nervous every time. I actively avoided it, and at times lied, cheated and avoided things like college assignments to avoid public speaking. I hate to admit that now, but that was how afraid I was of it.

 

Teddy Sanders:

We’re live.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yes, we are. That’s how afraid I was of it, but the awareness that grew of what that fear actually was and a confidence that I had in my voice to speak and the willingness to lean in courageously to those fearful moments and those opportunities, really has helped me navigate my own emotional reactions anytime that I go in front of people. I do it often now, and hopefully, with confidence into some level of effect. Just not a very personal level of coming from fear and timidity, to confidence and boldness in the public speaking realm has been an EQ journey for me.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Yeah. One more question. Are there any connections or correlation between your DiSC style or your insert plethora of personality style assessments and your EQ evaluation of yourself?

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yes. DiSC, I am an SC, and in all assessments that I’ve ever taken on the introverted, extroverted scale, I am 100% introvert, which in part explains the fear of public speaking thing. How that shows up on my EQ, a lot of my strengths and weaknesses are two sides of the same coin. For the introvert, in general, I process internally, I think deeply, I absorb lots of information before I speak, or before I want to speak up. Man, the EQ showed that to where, I mean, there are times when I may be too silent. Again, too in the background of things and not speak out boldly when I need to.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Just personal style, behaviorally, the DiSC shows, definitely pointed out the fact that like, man, here are some general strengths and weaknesses that you have. I saw that play out in leadership, in life with my wife and son. There’s just a consistent theme throughout of strengths and growth areas.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I think for me being an extreme DC, like almost touching the edge of the DiSC circumplex. Being to that side now, I’m naturally an introvert, but it says I’m a little bit of an extrovert, so I think I’m a functioning introvert, if you will. But in that, it’s very results oriented. The other side of the spectrum, where my empathy and interpersonal relationships and emotional expression and all the things you need for deep fulfilling relationships scores a lot lower. I need to be intentional about elevating the relationships to the level of the task, because being so results oriented, you need both results and people.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Without results, you don’t need the people, but without the people, you can’t get the results. For me, in my DiSC and my EQ, the correlation is there. Definitely, there is misalignment in that because I’m so extreme on the results side, that when I look at my emotional intelligence assessment, yeah, there are some threads there that I can use as data points for improvement or growth.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Growth, improvement, any sort of synonyms are great. Gentlemen, Dr. Chris Auger, Jesse Parrish, thank you so much for your time today. Groovy people of the internet, we will be doing this again this time next week, Thursday at 3:00 PM Eastern, where we will be diving a little bit more into EQ and how to best utilize it in your life. Thank you for joining us. If you have any questions, our moderators are still in the chat. We can be found at WinShape Teams. You can Google just WinShape Teams Coaching, and it’ll direct you right to our coaching page. Thank you very much, and hope you have a great rest of your day.

Discover More About Yourself

Dr. Chris Auger dives deep into how you can leverage self-awareness to work more effectively with your team in his Emotional Intelligence eBook.