August 25, 2020

How Your Self-Awareness Leads to More Fulfillment

by Lisa Oates

Emotional Intelligence | Livestream Series

Ep. 02 / 05 [RECAP]: How Your Present Awareness Leads to a Fulfilling Day

 

How self-aware are you?

 

In our first episode, we took a dive into emotional intelligence (EQ) and connected it to self-awareness and servant leadership. We spoke about how, like gravity, EQ is a real thing and like gravity, if we choose to ignore it or refuse its existence, we do so at great risk to ourselves. 

 

EQ accounts for a majority of our success within our professions. People who recognize and develop their EQ have healthier relationships, are happier in life, and typically make more money.

 

So, in episode 02 of this 5-part Livestream series, we take a focused look at how our present awareness leads to a more fulfilling day. If you could make a small micro adjustment for a macro impact to your day, would you? Watch this episode and discover some insights about your EQ and some micro adjustments you can make.


Episode 02 (of 05)

How Your Present Awareness Leads to a Fulfilling Day

 

In This Episode
  • Why we should care about emotional intelligence
  • Self-awareness and your emotional intelligence reputation
  • How to balance the components of emotional intelligence
  • The day-to-day of being presently aware (pouring in + pouring out)
  • The difference between coaching, counseling, mentoring, and consulting
  • How we can help others develop emotional intelligence

 

 

Watch the Recording →
Read the Transcript →


Watch the Recording


Meet the Livestream Crew

Read on for a full transcription of our discussion, featuring WinShape Teams Coaches, Dr. Chris Auger and Jesse Parrish.

 

Bonus: Free Resource!

Get Dr. Chris Auger’s latest eBook on Emotional Intelligence →

Read the Transcript

Jesse Parrish:

(silence) Good afternoon. Welcome back to our live stream, WinShape Teams here, myself, Jesse Parrish, and Dr. Chris Auger. We are unfortunately missing our cohort in crime Teddy Sanders today, but look forward to having him back next week. Next Thursday, I believe he’ll be rejoining us to emcee and facilitate this fine affair that we have going on here.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

We eat our own cookies, and we’ll keep it Teddy proof.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yes, there we go. We’ll try. We’ll try. So today we get to talk a little bit more about emotional intelligence and dive deeper into that topic of self-awareness. But again, one of our hopes and desires for this time is that there’s just practical, applicable knowledge that we’re able to share with y’all around this idea of emotional intelligence, it’s importance, what you can do with it, and what you can be walking away with today to go and improve and grow with this topic. So before we really dive in and get started, let’s just recap a little bit of what is emotional intelligence, and let’s start with that question, Chris, to you of, how does it apply? What does it touch within our lives, and why should we really care about this topic that we’re discussing today?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Well, what’s interesting is emotional intelligence, it always was and always is. In other words, it’s around us. The difference is that, are we willing to recognize it, acknowledge it, and then use it in an appropriate and effective manner? In other words, when we look at the top leaders that we gravitate towards that pull us in, the top leaders, when they’ve been assessed for their emotional intelligence, have an innate ability to have that high level of emotional intelligence. In other words, they can enter a room. They can discern what’s going on. They can basically suck in the emotional intelligence around them, and then they can fold it with theirs, and then they can actually lead in a more appropriate and effective manner.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Again, they have that tendency to pull you in and inspire you and draw things out of you that you didn’t know were there. That’s your most effective leaders? There are many studies that show that it is in a huge part of our success factor. One study, as much as 58% of our success can be attributed to EQ. Google has got an ongoing study project oxygen where they’ve been studying their own managers to figure out how to keep their folks working for them longer and harder and better and producing more at a higher level. What they discovered through that, and it’s an ongoing study. You can google it, no pun intended. But you can actually look at that study, and eight of the top 10 reasons that people stay or leave can be related to emotional intelligence, not so much the technical competencies and skills.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Studies show that people with a high level of emotional intelligence are happier, more fun to be around. People who have a higher level of emotional intelligence and self-control and self-awareness make more money. Who doesn’t want to make more money? So those are a few. I think you’ve got a few others that kind of contribute to that concept of what it is about emotional intelligence that makes it so important and why we should pay attention to it.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yeah. Even just a cursory look through all the research shows that it really does touch just about every aspect of our lives and our relationships. So you’ll look at marital satisfaction, emotional intelligence. Higher emotional intelligence is correlated with higher marital satisfaction. You’ll get kids success rates in school and the grades that they have, higher levels of emotional intelligence amongst kids means higher grades, higher success within the school system. You’ll look in, as you said, job performance, job satisfaction. You look at burnout rates. There’s lower burnout rates for leaders, team members, organizations that have higher levels of emotional intelligence.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So all around, it really does kind of touch just about every component of our lives. As we said, kind of last week, wherever you go, there you are. So you’re always dealing with you and how you show up in any given moments. The better you do that, the higher likelihood that the more successful you’ll be, the more stability you’re able to create, the more satisfaction you’re able to have in any life components.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So as we’re discussing this, again, we want to just invite our audience to a comment in the chat. If you have any questions, post them there, and we’d love to address them from any topics that we talk about that kind of spark your curiosity or interest that we’ll have some time at the end to just address those questions. But as we’re, again, moving more into this emotional intelligence piece, just remind us again, Chris, what is emotional intelligence? If it touches on all these components of our lives, how are we defining it and helping our understanding of it kind of moving forward?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I like that you use the definition from Dr. Steve Stein from MHS. He’s the CEO there, and he wrote the book, The Edge and The EQ Leader and a few other books. The way emotional intelligence is defined and how we define it is it’s a set of emotional and social skills that help us understand how to perceive ourselves, express ourselves, develop and maintain healthy relationships, solve problems, manage stress, and overall just use emotional information in an appropriate, effective, and healthy way.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yeah. I love the verse first Thessalonians 4:4. Know your vessel and navigate it with dignity and honor. That’s in part what emotional intelligence kind of boils down to me. It’s that ability to again, know yourself, navigate it with dignity and honor. For our conversations, we’re looking at emotional intelligence through the lens of using Daniel Goleman, who to paraphrase, has these four components, self-awareness, self-management, awareness of others, and then we like to use the term serving others. He may put it as managing relationships that are out there. In the ultimate purpose we think, as we’re approaching it is that emotional intelligence is a tool for us to help enrich the lives of others, again, create that stability, help others be successful, leverage the gifting that we have for the betterment of those that are around us. So as you’re-

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I hear you saying, know ourselves, control ourselves, know others-

 

Jesse Parrish:

Control others? No.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

… control others.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Serve others.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Serve others.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Serve others. Yes, yes. That’s right. So you provided that lovely definition for us. We’ve kind of Teddy-proofed it a little bit and saying those four lenses is what we’re unpacking, and today’s specifically is this idea of self-awareness. Now, I know you and all your studies and research have found a great tool for us to kind of unpack this idea of self-awareness. I’d be wondering if you’d be willing to share that with us to, again, advance our knowledge and help us begin to apply that in a moment-to-moment, day-to-day basis.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Well, I can be pretty passionate about this. I don’t know if I’ve communicated that yet. I want to be careful about not getting too wonky. But we have a diagram, and it’s a wheel, and it’s from MHS. It kind of breaks emotional intelligence. When people hear emotional intelligence, they think happy, glad, angry, sad. Emotional intelligence is a pretty complex subject, but it is pretty easy to digest once you get the gist of it. There is an actual order that can be maintained inside of the sphere of emotional intelligence. In other words, if I’m really good at managing stress and solving problems, that’s great. But if I really don’t have any awareness of what my emotions are or what I’m communicating through my emotional affect, my body language, the tone of my voice, the look on my face, I may be creating blanks for those around me that other people will fill in that may be inaccurate. They don’t match what I’m truly thinking and feeling. I have to own how I communicate that.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

So when we look at the wheel of emotional intelligence, if you started in the center and you actually went to 12 o’clock, you’d see the self-perception composite. There’s three subscales underneath that. Then we would work around the clock in a clockwise direction. So if I perceive myself well, that then sets me up to be able to express myself well. In other words, if I’m feeling it and thinking it, so in here and in here, then how am I communicating that through my body language, the tone of my voice, my eyes? How am I communicating what I’m feeling and sensing in that?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I think we’ve all been around the individual that held their feelings so close hold that even under times of stress or extreme drama, they had the same look on their face, and they were just flat. You didn’t know what they were thinking. That has a tendency to confuse those around them. If we are that leader, then we have to be aware and own that because people around us may be filling in the blanks and our care factor, do we know them, care about them, want to help them become better? They start filling in the answers to that when it might not be accurate.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

But if we’re perceiving ourselves well, given those subscales, believe their self-actualization and self-regard in there and then emotional self-awareness, we can then shift into this idea of self-expression, which then it’s, okay, how do we express these emotions, and how accurate are those? Do they match up with what’s happening inside us? I can remember going into a very passionate and stern conversation with a couple of coworkers here, knowing I’m highly assertive, and I was already kind of peeking. I had to go in and express, “Hey, look, what’s coming out of this might not match what’s in here and here.”

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

So if I’m passionate about this, I’m not angry, I’m just passionate that we’ve got to get this right for those that we’re serving. So sometimes I have to be aware of what I’m doing with my emotional perception and then how I’m expressing that so that I’m communicating effectively, which lends itself to that ability to build healthy relationships. What’s the empathy? What’s the interpersonal piece? What’s that social responsibility? How am I viewing that? When I can perceive myself and express myself accurately, the relationships are truer, and they’re more guided, and they’re more accurate, and they’re richer, and they’re deeper, which then sets you up to be able to solve problems a whole lot better, which then allows us and sets us up to manage the real stress that we have, not a stress that we’ve cooked up ourselves because of inconsistencies in our emotional intelligence.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

So it’s kind of a drive up towards self-perception and then around the clock, and it’s a continuing with wellbeing being on kind of a wrapper of all of that in the outside circle of that diagram.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So as you’re saying that, just to make sure that we’re hearing correctly, that I may be a rock star in one of those, and you’re not necessarily saying that being a rock star in one of those areas means that I have good emotional intelligence. You’re more speaking to a balance of all five of those components. Can you speak to that a little bit more?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Well, again, you said it very accurately. It’s not just the composites themselves, but it’s all of the subscales. So it’s, how do all 15 and five play in the pool together? What we’d like to see as a balance of those and the ability to have the awareness of what’s happening around you, being able to make micro adjustments in the moment for that macro impact. Again, for instance, having a high level of assertiveness is good and can be an asset to a leader. But once they become passionate, if they are already score high in assertiveness, the line between assertiveness and aggressiveness is very thin, and typically, most people don’t know they’ve crossed it until they’re looking back, and there’s wreckage in the wake.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

A leader who is overly high in empathy may be driving their folks nuts because they’re not making any decisions because they might hurt somebody’s feelings, when what they really want them to do is to assert themselves as the leader and guide them and give them the vision that they need to be executing. So again, if we can be very high in one and low in some others with the understanding that what happens in those moments under stress, the lows become lower and the highs become higher. So me having a very high social responsibility and high assertiveness, I know that under stress, I go to results, and I lean very hard on results, empathy, and interpersonal relationships and emotional expression go lower. So I give people less information that they can read and understand where I’m coming from, but I’m really leaning hard on the results. So I may be killing the goose to get to the egg.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Knowing that about myself, I actually have to go into those situations, and I have to dial empathy up very intentional, and I have to be conscious about elevating the relational component to the level of the task because I need the people to get the results, with the understanding that without results, we don’t need the people. But I have to own my emotional intelligence in the moment. If I create blanks, people are going to fill them in and usually inaccurately.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So let’s do a little Teddy-proof moment and kind of very simply express this idea of emotional intelligence. For me, I go to the scripture, and there’s two verses that my son, Noah, and I say every night. It’s something that you just kind of help remind him and teach him about this idea of emotional intelligence. Popular concept of emotions is it’s the heart. It’s the passion. It’s the feeling that you have and much of the language that we use around. If it feels right, do it. Which I think is kind of a challenge and maybe present some misconceptions around this idea of emotional intelligence.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Two verses that we speak to often around this is for me personally, Proverbs 24:3 says this. Guard your heart with all vigilance for from it flows the wellspring of life. When I think about that, I think of those emotional times of joy, contentment, satisfaction, excitement. It’s the emotions that put color in life if you will. I can’t just bank on that as well because I know also I experienced the other side of emotional reactions. That’s a real part of life. I go to Jeremiah 17:9, says, the heart is deceitful above all things, who can understand it? Now, both of those are talking about this kind of emotional component that puts color in life.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So when I think about that, the heart is deceitful above all else, who can understand it kind of moments, I think of many examples with my wife and I, where maybe we’re getting into an argument, or it’s with my son and I, and he’s being a little sassy and being disrespectful, and that hits me sideways, and I start getting in my feelings, and man, I feel hurt. I feel disrespected. I feel offended by that. One thing I want us to understand in this emotional intelligence piece is not just to accept, I feel hurt, thus the reality is, I am hurt, and you meant to hurt me, which I think is what many people perceive and experience in and of themselves. I feel this, so it must be true.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Emotional intelligence and all those scales that you’re talking about at the end of the day, they kind of go to this moment of being presently aware of what I feel. I feel hurt. I feel offended and questioning that and going, is that the reality of what’s actually going on? Is that true? I think that’s one of the subscales of reality testing. Is that actually true? It allows me then to kind of pause and go, you know what? I actually don’t think my wife is this mean-spirited, hurtful person. I actually think she genuinely loves me, and there’s probably just a miscommunication that’s happening here.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So let me take that hurt, simmer down for a moment, control that, which we’ll get into next week, kind of control that and show up in a better way in that very moment because I know emotions are basically just information that allow me to navigate this moment. It may not be the reality of it. So I appreciate especially that the MHS and the… It’s an assessment that you’re speaking to with those five components that helps us have good information around what we’re feeling, what we’re perceiving, and how we show up and express ourselves. Is that [crosstalk 00:27:56]-

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Absolutely. There’s some language that we’ve been using last week and this week that makes a lot of sense. To start with is that the assessment that we talk about, there’s the ability to self-assess our emotional quotient, and that’s pretty much our emotional identity. We identify what that is, and that’s a self-assessment. But then there’s also a EQ reputation, and that’s what we have with others. That flows into all of our spheres of influence and the roles that we have in that. We may have a different level of EQ reputation with our adult children or in our case, our wives or husbands out there, our brothers and sisters, peers, direct reports. It may work out that our emotional intelligence will be a little bit different with each of those different roles.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Then there’s this idea that when we think about emotional intelligence, and you’re talking about the hurt, there may be the tendency to react in that moment. You hit it very profoundly. When you said maybe I can sit back for a moment, and I can think. We tend to react very emotionally, but we respond very thoughtfully, and we’ll talk about the amygdala and how fast it is and the prefrontal cortex to how it’s a hundred times slower next week. But there’s this understanding that emotional intelligence, when it comes in, we get an opportunity to do something with it. If we’re blind, remember we said emotional intelligence exists, regardless of whether we recognize it or not, and we’ve all known those leaders that have a blind spot. They might be the person that is the yeller and screamer. You bring them a problem, and then he chops you off at the knees, and then he trains his entire staff not to bring him problems because they don’t want to be the next victim. He’s blind to the fact that he does that.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

So his interpersonal is all messed up, and he could work on that and improve that. But if he’s trained his staff not to bring him problems, then they go nuclear before he gets a hold of them, and then he’s challenged at trying to recover from that. So there’s different ways to look at that component, but yes.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So as we navigate with dignity and honor, there’s a moment-by-moment component of this. It’s not just, “Ooh, I’ve arrived at self-awareness.” I know, “Ah, that’s in like moment. There’s an everyday component to this that we have to be, you could say mindful. You have to be presently aware. It’s an ongoing navigation. Yeah. Think of the analogy of a sailing vessel with the compass and guiding by the stars. They’re constantly having to take their bearings to make sure, are we on track? Are we heading in the right direction? It’s not just setting it and forgetting it.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So let’s kind of decompose that into the day-to-day of being presently aware and how we can navigate that so that we do manage those times of stress or show up in the fullness of life as a healthy, full, whole, for those that are around us. So I got a little just kind of illustration and analogy that we’re going to unpack a little bit, and maybe you can help me and get the audience again involved in this as they’re thinking about this. So this vase right here is just going to represent you. Okay? Your specific amount of capacity, you could say, your ability to focus moment to moment or kind of be presently aware and navigate the current situation and your current kind of emotional capacity.

 

Jesse Parrish:

There’s lots that we can do to help us show up full whole and healthy in any given moment. There’s three specific components that we’re going to unpack a little bit. One is what you pour in. Two is what you’re pouring out, and three is, are there any holes or cracks in the glass that cause leaks if you will and kind of your capacity or your energy.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So let’s just kind of walk through a day, you and I, as we’re going forward. Let’s first look at, when we’re waking up in the morning, what are some things that give life, give energy, help us live in that full whole healthy abundance that that first verse in Proverbs 4:23 or 24:3 speaks of. So I know for me, man, a good night of sleep, I need at least probably seven hours to wake up feeling refreshed and good. That starts the night before that I’ve gone to bed on time, but let’s just say for argument’s sake, that it was a good night of sleep.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

A good night of sleep. Setting yourself up, laying the clothes out, setting yourself out to go to sleep and then wake up well. But sleep itself as a weapon, and you can use that. A lack of it, you don’t even start out with that, and I mean, that’s even less. So one of the best ways we can actually set ourselves up for success with regards to how much emotional intelligence and our ability to use it is to simply just get a good night sleep, set ourselves up for the next day and start well.

 

Jesse Parrish:

We’ve all heard the saying, you woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Not having a good night’s sleep, you’re already starting empty or even into a deficit in some cases. So again, for me, I like to wake up, and then I do one of two things, or at least I enjoy it, and it’s adding value. It is going to work out and getting a good morning workout, get my body moving, kind of clears my mind for the day and having a good, quiet time, spending time with the Lord-

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Absolutely.

 

Jesse Parrish:

… prayer. Journaling, I always say, is one of those things, if I’m not doing it, I’m probably going to be operating fairly empty. What are some other things in your morning that help [crosstalk 00:33:35]?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Yeah. The quiet time is huge there. I take the opportunity. Lower back issues. Sit on the heating pad at that time. Feels great. But then I actually, once I’m loosened up, I take my dog for a half hour walk, just walking outside, listening to the world wake up is very filling for me. So that puts something back in the bucket, back in the pitcher.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yeah. So typically before I head out the door, I’m with my son. We watch a little devotional in the morning. He gives me a big old hug, and I’m walking out the door in a good spot. Now, I’m entering into the world. Okay? Now, fortunately, I’ve some reserves built up. I’m feeling good, living out of the abundance, hopefully, and I’m driving to work, and I got a meeting at 8:30 that I got to be to, and I hit a red light. Not that big a deal. But the person behind me is a little bit impatient, and they honk their horn as soon as it turns green. I got to manage a little bit of what’s going on in me at that moment. Dude, you’re annoying.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Absolutely.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Hold off. Then I hit the next red light and the next one and the next one. Man, I’m starting to get a little bit frustrated, a little bit on edge if you will. My energy is being taken up just having to manage the stress of the moment as I’m going forward. What about for you? As you’re, again, entering into the world, what are things that may add or subtract for you?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Well, I think for me getting to work early and then having the office is still quiet, nobody’s there. I’m making the coffee. I’m serving everybody. That’s an opportunity for me to kind of pour into others and serve them, but it fills me to be able to do that. Then just as people come into work, being an introvert has its perks, but I really enjoy being on a team with others and having them come in and find out how their weekend was and engaging them in conversation and getting the joke of the day from Joseph or finding out who’s winning in fantasy football. I mean, those are all things that kind of help fill my bucket and set me on a good course for the day.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yeah. Now, it’s important to note in this example of what’s pouring in versus what’s pouring out is that a level of self-awareness around, what’s my personality style? You mentioned introversion, the whole introvert versus extrovert style. What pours into me is going to look different from we’ll use Joseph, who is one of our team members who’s an extrovert, loves people, relational. He loves the energy of the room and being excited and having lots of people around and the relational component of that. That’s an extroverted pour-in. Whereas for an introvert, extreme introvert-

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

That’s a heavy pour.

 

Jesse Parrish:

… that’s a heavy pour-out for me. At the end of four days of programming, where I’m facilitating a group, and I’m pretty much spent, I’ve used up a lot of my energy. There’s lots of little things that we can talk about going throughout the day that we can just be presently aware of pouring in along with what’s being poured out. But let’s just take some of the current reality as well. COVID-19, the pandemic that’s going on, the lack of normalcy that that itself brings on. Many of the tensions that are emerging in our nation that are being brought to the forefront that for some people it’s been experienced for years and years, that’s been built up for some. I was like, “Oh, I’m just becoming aware of this.”

 

Jesse Parrish:

That in and of itself can be men, that can be a heavy pour for a ton of folks that they’re just showing up stressed, showing up challenged, showing up without the energy or capacity to navigate themselves well in that present moment. What else would you have to say as we’re talking about the pour-in or pour-out that you’d want our listeners to just take note of?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Well, I think the idea is that having the self-awareness of what’s going on throughout your day. If you’re an introvert, and you’re self-aware, and you’ve got a late meeting Wednesday afternoon, what do you do to pour something back in before you go into that meeting? Is it go for a walk where you can reflect and be introspective? If you’re the extrovert, and how do you put something that you’ve spent all morning in spreadsheets because it’s that time of the year, and you’re doing annual budgets, and it’s driving you crazy. What do you do? Do you go get that workout before you go to that meeting so that you actually set yourself up for success by putting something back in.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Now, that works for how we look at life and what we do at work, but it also works with the other spheres of influence as well, especially our family. If we spend the day, and we’re engaging people, and there’s light pours, and there’s heavy pours, and there’s COVID-19, and there’s social unrest, and you’ve got all of these pours by the time you go to go home, and you’re all poured out, and you’re going to your castle where you think you’re the most safe. It’s interesting that our loved ones have the ability to hit our buttons the fastest, the hardest, and the most unloving way possible. We’ll get into what those emotional hijacks and what it really looks like for us to be all poured out next week, but just having the awareness of preferences and priorities and how I show up with those, it’s okay to be results oriented, but I can’t beat people up to get to them. I have to understand that there’s an interpersonal relationship piece there with that.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yeah. Yeah. So that all goes again into next week, like you said. How do we navigate ourselves? No matter what level of energy or capacity that we have, how are we navigating the moment really, really well? But it’s important to note that for the awareness piece, we all have different things that pour in and pour out. We have control over what’s poured in and a good portion of what’s poured out. The final component that I just want to make note of because it is such a huge piece of self-awareness is man, sometimes there may be cracks or holes in this. These are some deeper issues that are a part of that emotional intelligence piece. For some, it may be the unfortunate experience of trauma in their life that creates a crack. Somewhere near the bottom, there’s just a constant drip.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So no matter how much you’re trying to pour in, there’s this drip that’s going on. For some, it may be conflict within the office or relational tension that you’re having that you have to experience each and every day just being around that person or that environment that is just a hole that’s been left unaddressed, and it’s a constant leak out until it’s addressed and healed. No matter again, how much you pour, you’re always going to empty out because of that. So it’s very important again, in that present awareness, as we’re navigating ourselves to be aware, what are we pouring in? How much is being poured out, and are there any deeper cracks or holes that we need to make sure that we address, even though it may take a level of courage or compassion in order to address some of those underlying challenges.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So again, as we’re kind of transitioning away from this conversation, we invite you guys to ask any questions or any thoughts that may have been stimulated by this conversation. We’d love to spend a few minutes unpacking those. But as folks are typing those in, Chris, just tell me a little bit, again, for you, what would be an example of men, again, pouring in verse pouring out of, how you see that EQ balance playing into an everyday example maybe in the office place?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

So a prime situational awareness example is that it was morning time. So that’s pretty cool. Quite honestly, probably a little full of myself in the moment, I was working for someone and working on a project and had a deadline. I was very intense. I’ve got the office set up where people can’t come into my office unless I see them come into the office. There I am typing away, working on this project and very focused, very intense. Then I have a young gal in our office. She came up to the doorway. Now, we have an open door policy. So anybody can come ask people questions all the time.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

She was trying to be very kind and very courteous, and she knocked, and I knew she was there, and I kept typing, being very intentional about it, and then she finally said, “Do you mind if I interrupt you?” I pretty much kind of put my hands down on the desk and I just turned her and said, “Well, now that you’ve interrupted me, yes, you can have a moment of my time.” Now, the inside part of me was just giving her a hard time and was joking with her. However, the emotional effect I was displaying at the time was of anger, at least that’s how she interpreted it. The look of horror on her face and how quickly she got out of the doorway kind of left me with the question of, “I think I might have upset her.”

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

So about an hour later, I actually asked her and said, “You knew I was just kidding when you came to ask me the question. You’re always welcome to come and ask me questions. I’m here to kind of help you through these things.” She was like, “No. I thought you were angry with me because of how you responded.” I just looked at her, and I kind of chuckled a little bit and said, “I apologize, and I own that. I was just giving you a hard time. Please forgive me.” Because she really was upset by it because of the reaction that I had. But because I created the blanks, she filled them in. Which lends itself to the concept of being the huggable cactus, as one of my facilitators has kind of given me here lately.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

So it was pretty interesting, but yes, it was definitely one of those moments where I have to be careful. Some people don’t necessarily share my sense of humor or sarcasm at times, which I’ve come to find out sarcasm is not necessarily a good thing.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Present awareness at its finest or not in that very moment. So this conversation brings up a question with emotional intelligence and what’s being poured in versus being poured out, cracks in the glass. Help us understand a little bit of the difference between counseling, coaching, mentoring, consulting because all of them, I imagine, play in this realm of emotional intelligence. Help unpack that for us in the audience.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Well, first off, we can start that all of them can have some semblance of coaching type competencies or skills that ask bold questions that then penetrate and pull out answers. But when we think of counseling, that’s typically trying to fix something that has happened in the past. There’s an ill, there’s a hurt, there’s trauma, drama. I mean, there’s something that is being worked on and trying to be fixed. Then there’s this idea of a consultant. A consultant is typically somebody with a very technical expertise that you bring in very specifically. You pay them for a specific competency or skill. They do that. They leave. They’re not part of your organization or part of your team.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Then there’s the mentoring component, which is typically from a higher to a lower. It’s somebody that has sage wisdom or experience in something that they’re imparting on somebody else. It’s usually kind of one way. Over time, it may become a both and. But it starts out being one way, and it’s a mentoring relationship. Coaching is specifically coming alongside somebody, asking the bold questions, and really pulling out of them what’s already there and challenging them on some of the answers, not in a prescriptive way like, you need to do this, but asking the questions in such a way that you have to be introspectively reflective on your answers, and are my answers getting me to where I said I want to go. If my answers are taking me away from that, well then the destination might be a little different. That then would drive me as a coach to ask different questions.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

So there are distinct differences and there are coaching leaders that have coach types skills and competencies, but because they’re agenda driven, I wouldn’t necessarily call them a coach. A coach is somebody that they don’t have… Their dog in a fight is your wellbeing and getting to the destination. They don’t have a bottom line or a profit margin or anything else as an agenda. You’re the agenda, and you’re alongside them to help them with that.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Okay. So one of the questions is then for a coach and related to this EQ. How does a coach come alongside and help someone understand what pours in and what pours out for them? I’ll speak to maybe two components, and then you can add to that. So one component of coaching that we like to use is just assessments, different data points to help us know what are our giftings, our talents, our strengths, the things that would bring us life. So a personal example of something that a coach helped unpack for me was around that idea of introversion and extroversion.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So for me, when I answer any kind of introvert, extrovert question, I am all the way on the side of introversion, which means I need personal time. I process things internally before I speak them. I have to kind of give lots of space to my thoughts to help personally reflect and understand what’s going on in me. So in talking with a coach, they were trying to unpack that with me from a leadership perspective. What’s that mean for a leader? Because I had always seen leaders that are dynamic. They’re bold. They’re out there. They’re the extrovert, the cheerleader that’s driving things forward. Well, they helped me understand something that pours into me as a leader that I can do to lead emotionally intelligent is to make sure that 30 minutes of my morning, very first thing when I get into the office, I have on my calendar this continuing education time is what I call it, and that’s just personal time for me to sit and to read through an article or a topic of the day.

 

Jesse Parrish:

It’s something that helps align my thinking. It helps me get perspective on what’s important around a topic that I may be thinking about, and it’s personal time that I have that’s uninterrupted for me in that to start my day a little bit more full. So a coach is someone that again, can help unpack and ask, as you said, some of those deeper questions around, what do these assessments say, brings you life? Where do you thrive?

 

Jesse Parrish:

Another component is a specific principle or theory of coaching, and that’s called appreciative inquiry, which is a line of questioning that is all around, what makes you thrive? What brings you life? When were you most successful, and what were you doing in that? So it takes some of these situations in life, where you’re going, “Man, that was top of the world moment for me, and a coach comes alongside and helps unpack exactly what made it that top of the world moment, and how do we repeat that? How do we apply that in different aspects of life or different components of leadership teaming that you’re following? So the coach is again someone that would come alongside and help through that kind of questioning. Anything else that you would add? How does someone who comes alongside help know what pours in or drains you as a person?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Well, I think it’s not just the big things. A coach is going to be able to ask the right kinds of questions to help you become more effective and understand your self-awareness in such a way that what ends up happening is you get data or information that you can then choose to use or not use. For instance, I’ve coached people in everything from, “Hey, I want to map out everything you eat in a two-week period to see how you’re eating.” Because how we eat is how we sleep. How we sleep is how much we put in the pitcher. Or it’s, we want to map out all your time to see what’s going on. Then when we map out all that time, it kind of creates the windows that we can inject something that may put something back in the pitcher.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

If you know your best, brightest, smartest time is in the morning, would you give that to anybody that drains you the most? So you can start shaping your calendar so that you’re making your best decisions in those moments. For me being an introvert, typically after lunch, I go for a walk so that I put something back in the pitcher so that late afternoon, when I’m a lot lower and less emotionally aware, I’m not finding it funny when somebody comes to my doorway to ask me a question to be terse with them. I mean, it was funny in the moment for me, but not so much for her. So-

 

Jesse Parrish:

Now we know.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

… we can be very intentional, and it’s finding those intentional pieces that we’re willing to commit to, to put things back into the pitcher so that we’re better prepared to maneuver in the environment that we’re in.

 

Jesse Parrish:

How can we, as leaders or as team members, help others develop EQ? What role do we play as, again, leaders or team members to help others kind of develop their self-awareness and navigate themselves well?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I think just by being aware that we’re each going to fill the pitcher differently. We’re each created differently. It gets back to that level of, it’s not only about knowing your folks because you should know your folks, carefree folks, and be willing to help your folks become better. But have you set the environment up where they actually care for you, know you, and want to help you become better as a leader? So I would say it’s a two-way street in many ways. When we’re developing that level of trust, it can be huge for the organization.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yeah. I use just a personal example, as I, and as we have adjusted to the pandemic and working from home and what that looks like is our goals and priorities have shifted in some way and how we go about doing our work. There’s just been lots of change. So something for me that hopefully has been helpful for others is one, coming back to my own self-awareness, knowing how this has impacted me and also dialing up my empathy going, “Man, if this has impacted me in this way, I wonder how this change has impacted others?” How it’s impacted you, Chris, as one of the guys I work with, how it’s impacted Ben, Joseph, Mark, Kristen, and to dial up that empathy during this time of crisis and create space, create intentional space to listen and to seek understanding.

 

Jesse Parrish:

In order to do that well, I’ve had to do a lot to fill my bucket, my pitcher, a lot of intentional time to invest in myself, to get those quiet moments, to make sure that I’m transitioning from meeting to meeting well. Then to know my schedule is just going to be flexible for a while so that I can help navigate life with other people as well. In many cases, what that has looked like is one, two, three-hour conversations around, how are you doing? What are the challenges that you’re facing? What’s stressing you out? What’s being helpful for you? How can I be of assistance to you, and what can you do to help show up for this team? So I’d say in two or three ways, one, making sure that my bucket’s filled so that I can show up well to those moments where I know I’m going to have a heavier pour and then showing up in a way that seeks understanding, asking lots of questions, being a mirror, if you will, and being willing to give some honest but kind and gentle feedback.

 

Jesse Parrish:

You have been a little terse here recently. Tell me more about that. What’s been going on? How has it been stressful for you and providing someone else that space to kind of unpack their own, what am I feeling? What am I experiencing? How full or empty am I at this moment? And even having some of those guiding conversations of, “Well, what can we do for you to help pour in? What can you do for yourself to set up some good boundaries or pour into yourself and just navigate yourself well during that time?” But again, that all starts with me, making sure I’m taking care of me, and I’m full, whole, and healthy by being presently aware of where I’m at and how, I’m showing up.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So as we kind of wrap up our time, Chris, thanks for your thoughts. Thanks for the questions and participation from our audience. We will be back next Thursday at three o’clock. This week was self-awareness, all those components that we’ve been talking about, again, the emotions being information, how do we use that information to show up well? How do we show up full, whole, and healthy. Chris, you talked to us about the assessment component, those five different factors of emotional intelligence and being aware and all of those.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Next week, we’re going to be talking about controlling yourself, managing all that. I know we touched on it a little bit here, but next week we’ll be diving specifically into this idea of locus of control. What’s in my control versus out of my control, and how does my attitude and perceptions help me navigate those moments. You referenced the amygdala hijacks, and when we get to those moments of emotions, just kind of overtaking us, what do we do to kind of take a step back and again, navigate those moments with dignity and with honor.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So we’re excited to have more conversations with y’all. Look forward to seeing you again next week, next Thursday at three o’clock to continue this conversation on emotional intelligence. Chris, thank you from myself. Thank you all. Have a great rest of your day.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Thanks. See you later. (silence)

 

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