October 6, 2020

How to Use Your Emotional Intelligence to Help Others

by Lisa Oates

Emotional Intelligence | Livestream Series

Ep. 05 / 05 [RECAP]: How to Use Your Emotional Intelligence to Help Others

 

Are you serving others well?

 

In our 5-part Livestream series on Emotional Intelligence (EQ), episode 04 walked through how to move past knowing self and controlling self towards understanding, appreciating and valuing others using EQ. We unpacked how to dial up or down our various EQ components in how we perceive ourselves, express ourselves, build relationships, solve problems, manage stress, and use emotional information in a more effective way. 

 

If you are looking for guidance in moving your EQ to higher and more effective levels, we can help. Our coaches are trained and experienced in coming alongside individuals who want to excel at knowing self, controlling self, knowing others, and serving others. 

 

This final episode in the series blends the concepts of servant leadership, EQ, and coaching into a formula that will equip you to add value to others. The most important step to take in developing your self-awareness is a willingness to seek assistance in learning to lead, team, and follow more effectively. 


Episode 05 (of 05)

How to Use Your EQ to Help Others

 

In This Episode
  • How to make amends
  • Can you be too emotionally intelligent?
  • Bringing emotional intelligence into the workplace
  • How to have courageous conversations
  • How to lead from the middle
  • Having a posture of curiosity and a hunger to improve
  • A pitfall to watch for on your journey toward emotional intelligence
  • Can assessments be wrong?

 

 

Watch the Recording →
Read the Transcript →


Watch the Recording

Read on for a full transcription of our discussion, featuring Teddy Sanders as host, interviewing WinShape Teams Coaches, Dr. Chris Auger and Jesse Parrish.

 

Bonus: Free Resource!

Get Dr. Chris Auger’s latest eBook on Emotional Intelligence →

Read the Transcript

Teddy Sanders:

Good afternoon and welcome back to the WinShape Teams discussion on emotional intelligence. Once again, I’m Teddy Sanders, one of our Client Relationship Coordinators here at WinShape Teams, joined by Dr. Chris Auger and Mr. Jesse Parrish.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Once again.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Gentlemen, how are you guys doing this our final week?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Prepping for July 4th.

 

Teddy Sanders:

You guys got any big plans?

 

Jesse Parrish:

Family time, going down sitting by the pool, spending time with family.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Paddling down the Etowah.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Nice. We got nothing so far. Yesterday, I made that realization that oh, that’s on Saturday. And as I had already scheduled quite a few meetings for tomorrow, and then everybody’s like, “Hey, we’re not working tomorrow.” I was like, “Oh, yeah, I guess we aren’t either.” So I feel you.

 

Teddy Sanders:

To our audience today, we want to say thank you once again for being with us for whether this is your first session or whether this is your fifth session. We really do desire to have that kind of interaction. So today, we’re hoping our desires to continue through this kind of interviewing process. And so in doing that, we want to ask our audience, what are some things that you guys want to hear about?

 

Teddy Sanders:

What are more things that you guys want to learn about whether in large sessions like what we’ve done with these over the last five weeks or a single week or different thing? Are there a type of person, a type of role, a type of skill set that you guys would like to hear more about? So if you get the chance, go ahead and write it down in the live chat. Miss Lisa Oates will be moderating for us once again. She’s done a great job doing that during this time.

 

Teddy Sanders:

So gentlemen, why don’t we kind of start with where we’ve been, right? So, take us back through our map that we have been the cartographers for during this process, and summarize where we’ve been and why it’s important for us.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Well, I think one of the key things is we opened up with meeting Jesse and I as coaches. And then we kind of went down this road and the type of coaching is because there’s a coach for everything in anything out there that you could think of. I mean, if you’re moving forward in a direction on something, you can pull somebody alongside you that can keep you accountable, ask you good questions and help you discover where it is or how it is you want to get to a certain point and then hold you accountable in that process.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

There’s two specific roads that we have here at WinShape. One is someone who’s been to a leadership program or a team program and wants help putting that into execution. And then there’s the other side which is geared more at EQ and self-awareness or servant leadership or transition or legacy point of view or a life planning type of coaching where it’s very intentional. And somebody realizes that they’ve got some blanks they want to fill in, and they want help filling those in.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

That’s kind of two general traffic patterns that we have here at WinShape that we want to fulfill. But coaching oftentimes evolves into something after the first or second session because a lot of times they come in with symptoms and then we don’t know what’s causing that till after we dig a little deeper.

 

Jesse Parrish:

And all told, that roadmap that we’ve been charting with emotional intelligence as Chris and I approach that with a one-on-one coaching component, emotional intelligence, we break it up into these four buckets that have been kind of the themes of our conversations. First being “know yourself.” Second being “control or manage yourself.” Thirdly, which we did last week, was “know others,” being aware of the environment and the emotional state of others. And then finally, this week, the conversation on “serve others,” what does it look like to tangibly and practically take all that we’ve talked about with EQ and actively serve those that are around us.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Remind us again, of a couple of the tools that we’ve walked away with? We’ve talked a lot about how this affects us as individuals kind of that baseline, what is it? How does this affect us? How can we affect others with it? We’ve kind of done that homework at the end of every session. Hey, here’s something to take away. For you guys, why don’t we kind of talk a little bit more about that? And which ones do you guys find most effective in your life?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Well, I think before we get into the tools, it’d be great to some of the folks to be reminded, but some of the folks that weren’t here for the first couple of sessions to actually understand the perspective that we at WinShape have about servant leadership being a cornerstone of what we do. Jesse, you want to take that one, and then I’ll take EQ.

 

Jesse Parrish:

I think again, our ultimate heart in talking about EQ and even the tools that we are talking about and how to use them and apply them are for this ultimate reason of being a servant leader. And we define a servant leader as someone that’s compelled by the unshakable desire to enrich the lives of others. I think that’s huge, especially that last line of others to enrich the lives of others.

 

Jesse Parrish:

EQ in and of itself, if you use these tools just for the sole purpose of what can I get out of it or what can I do for myself, then very quickly that goes into the area of manipulation or self-service. Our ultimate desire is to say what can we do to know ourselves, control ourselves, know others, so that we can serve, so that we can enrich the lives of others,

 

Jesse Parrish:

So yeah, we’ve talked about a couple of the tools if you will, but even some of the larger premises of knowing your vessel. 1 Thessalonians says, “know your vessel so that you can navigate it with dignity and honor.” We talked briefly about knowing your energy level, your ability to focus day in and day out and kind of ultimately this idea of self-care. How much are you pouring in so that you can equally pour out and serve others?

 

Jesse Parrish:

Next session we talked about this idea of locus of control, having an external versus internal locus of control. So someone that looks at an external locus of control might say, “You made me do this,” or “I did this because you did,” reverse an internal locus of control, which is someone saying, “Hey, I may not have control over these external factors or situations, but I can control my attitude. I can control my mindset or the responses that I have in any given circumstance.”

 

Jesse Parrish:

Last week, we looked at you calling it the valuing ladder or the judging ladder. We talked about moving from awareness of a difference, being conscious of our biases, whether it be conscious or unconscious biases, becoming aware of a difference, moving into those biases, and then seeking understanding.

 

Jesse Parrish:

A way to overcome those biases is to be intentional, and action-oriented to seek understanding about others that are around you, their strengths, weaknesses, situations, circumstances, but actively stepping outside of your own awareness and your own assumptions and seeking that understanding piece. So again, here, it’s that desire to serve. You want to unpack a few of the specific tools that we talked about along the way?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Well, we start with the idea of emotional intelligence being a set of emotional social skills and how we actually perceive ourselves or understand what’s happening on the inside. And then how we express that through body language, tone of voice, our eyes, how we communicate, and then develop whole, healthy and full relationships with others.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

And then this idea of being able to problem solve and manage stress but ultimately being able to walk into situations or the environment around us to be able to use emotional intelligence in an appropriate and effective way. And with that, anchoring it to that cornerstone of servant leadership. Again, not from a manipulation perspective, I want you to do this. So I’m going to treat you this way. But more specifically, an appropriate way for me to move people through this would be for me to dial up my empathy or dial down my assertiveness and just having that where on the awareness within you to be able to do that.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

In the first show, we talked about this concept or idea of people with that high level of EQ have a tendency to draw people in, people gravitate to them. There’s a much more likelihood of people wanting to follow rather than just doing what someone who’s in charge says to do because that’s kind of the minimum. But somebody with high EQ tends to… people tend to do a lot more for them. They want to, it’s their desire to move in that direction with that individually.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

So they just kind of pull people in rather than someone who lacks EQ has a tendency to create blind spots or blanks that people want to fill in, and they have a tendency to push people away. And that’s what we want to do is pull people in. Part of that is some of the things that we talked about. We talked about an emotional audit, we talked about the ability to ask ourselves a series of questions in the moment, in a way that kind of gets us out of our amygdala, our reactionary brain, fight, flight or freeze, and gets us into our thinking, responding brain. So we think about things cognitively.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

We can then translate that in very easily. Instead of asking ourselves those questions, we can ask those questions about somebody else. We can ask what are they feeling? What are they thinking? And as we answer these questions, it tends to reframe the moment and put us into a better situation where we’re more thoughtful and cognitive, and actually thinking about it, rather than maybe as Jesse alluded to the pitcher’s empty.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

That hot button is about this big and it’s sitting on our forehead and we just got home and we’re all poured out from a full day at work. And one of our family members just hits it hard. Because the ones that know us and love us most know how to hit that button the easiest, the hardest, and the quickest.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Intentionally or unintentionally.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Yes, intentionally or unintentionally, but it just, inevitably, it doesn’t matter. It feels the same. And then our immediate reaction, we talked about internal and external locus of control. We can really fold that into the idea of that three-part apology is a tool that we can use. An external locus of control is you did this to me so I’m sorry, but you made me mad.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Not a real-

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

It’s not a real good apology that but piece, but smell so apologies with but smell. So the idea is, is that when we’re thinking of a three-part apology, it’s accepting something with specificity. I know that I did this, and I’m sorry for that. And then there’s the acknowledgement that I’ll try not to do that again. Because you can’t use the word never. Because that inevitably comes back and bites us.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Well, it also shows there’s still a learning process in that, right?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Absolutely. And then the back end of that is, is how can I make amends? How can I make restitution for how I harmed you? Because I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings. For me, using that with my girls and my family, it has been huge. I’ve even had, unfortunately, some instances here at WinShape that I’ve been able to use that with coworkers. Not that I’m proud of those moments, but on the backside, it’s a much healthier relationship because I was willing to actually act out, respond with courage and accept responsibility.

 

Teddy Sanders:

It’s an opportunity to shine. How about that?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Yeah, we’ll go with that.

 

Teddy Sanders:

As we kind of talked about that there is such a thing of there’s sometimes too much of a good thing. And so if that’s the case, is there another kind of can you be too emotionally intelligent, can you be too empathetic, can you be too optimistic about these sorts of things? And if so, how do we combat that?

 

Jesse Parrish:

I think that’s a great question. Because all told with all the EQ definition that you laid out in the MHS assessment that Chris is just an expert at, you can look at this idea of, yes, there is too much of something. The idea is not to max out the scales in anything, but it’s to be well balanced in your emotional intelligence. You referenced dial up and dial down, empathy and assertiveness. It’s a knowledge and an ability to use these different skill sets and use these different tools at an appropriate time.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So can I be too empathetic? Yes, I can inappropriately dial my empathy way up. And it not be the thing that’s needed at that time. For me, Chris, you say you have to dial your assertiveness down. Most of the time I have to dial mine up because I am too empathetic. So, it’s the dial turns of both of those to find that good balance of I need to be both empathetic. And there are times when I do need to be stronger, more forceful, more assertive. In brief, you can have too much of one thing. But if you balance it out right, and use them all well, no, more the merrier.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Well, and for me that assertiveness piece because of the passion that I have, and how I carry myself that can… I had a coach once tell me humility doesn’t intimidate. So, I have a tendency to want to actually focus on that humility component because I know my assertiveness. And if I start talking with my hands and I start getting loud, it’s easily interpreted as being aggressive. And unfortunately, that line between being assertive and aggressive is very, very gray and very, very thin.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Typically, we don’t know we’ve crossed it until we’re looking in there’s wreckage in the wake. And we’re engaging in a three-part apology. So it’s that dynamic of understanding. If you understand more of you then it allows you the opportunity to go into moments saying, “Okay, I know I’m assertive, I can dial it down a couple notches so that it’s more appropriate for the moment. And then it’s not creating blanks or confusing the other person with what I’m projecting.”

 

Teddy Sanders:

I think the words that you use there, the dynamic of understanding, that really is what the last five weeks have been about. It’s about understanding EQ. It’s about that awareness. So if you guys could say in two to three sentences what’s your hope that people here are going to walk away with from these past five sessions?

 

Jesse Parrish:

I’m going to cheat a little bit and go back to some of our titles and just go man, that there’s an increase of awareness that has happened. That people are, I’ll use the word, curious. That they’re genuinely curious about themselves, not just about their emotions, but their strength, their giftings, their passions. That they’re genuinely curious about themselves. That they find ways to go, “Oh, from this curiosity, I’ve learned this, I want to apply it in this way. I’m making decisions intentionally because of that awareness.”

 

Jesse Parrish:

And that again, ultimately, they’re doing that for the benefit of those that are around them. It’s not just to advance yourself or your career or anything like that, but to say, “Man, I genuinely love my wife, and I want to use what I know now to help her.” “I genuinely love my coworkers. I want to use what I know now and help enrich them,” that’s what I’d say. How about you?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I share exactly that. It’s this pursuit of a better me for those around me. Been created and designed in a very unique way with skills and experiences and personal mission statements and all those great things but the gift for me is the joy that it brings my bride when she sees that I’m pursuing a better me, and it’s for her, specifically. It’s not for me to get something out of the relationship. It’s literally because I love her that she’s receiving that.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

And same thing with friends and co-workers. It’s the same thing. Definitely in the pursuit of that, there’s a level of authenticity and transparency and even vulnerability in a lot of instances, as we were talking before the show of what that looks like. And again, it has a tendency to draw people in and create deeper, richer, better relationships.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

So that curiosity is probably the biggest thing that I would want people to walk away with, maybe what’s my EQ or how am I across all my assessments? I wouldn’t advocate any one assessment being a descriptive, prescriptive thing. It’s a data point that we can either validate or invalidate, but we should do that with the help of those that know us, care about us and want us to become better.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

But then also using those people to kind of find threads across multiple assessments, that then becomes an area that we can actually work in, whether it’s being too assertive or not empathetic enough. Or maybe the way I have an emotional hijack is, is I just get quiet and shut down, and then that becomes ineffective because I’m not engaged in the conversation anymore. If that’s a common thread across multiple assessments or environments, well, then that becomes something that I can work on and improve upon.

 

Teddy Sanders:

You mentioned vulnerability. We’ve mentioned servant leadership. Would you guys mind sharing a couple stories or get vulnerable with our audience for a second of how you guys have been able to bring this into the workplace, bring it back home. You’ve mentioned your opportunity with your daughter and your wife numerous times of, “Hey, I think you forgot your empathy.” No, it’s outside in the lake for a reason right now. But with that being the case, would you guys mind sharing some examples of how we can and speak a little bit more to vulnerability with your teams and really serving them well?

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yeah, I think one of the current challenges that I’m going through and trying to figure out and serve well in is being a new manager, having a new department, Chris being in all of that. So, maybe you can give some inside perspective on how I’m doing later on. We’ll see.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Tied back to this, in our servant leadership philosophy, some of the things that we talk about and teach is one, this idea of seeing the future. A leader obviously you have to have that vision, that direction that you’re going and you want to help lead people there. Hopefully, that high EQ will make people want to follow rather than forcing them to follow.

 

Jesse Parrish:

We also talk about the character of a leader and their ability to respond with courage and accept responsibility. A couple things that you alluded to hunger for wisdom, many of these ideas. And so a tangible example of doing those things and how EQ is woven into that, for me, presently, is this idea of at WinShape Teams and in our department, we are very nice. We love each other deeply and genuinely. We care about one another, very, very passionately. And we want to serve. And that’s a great thing.

 

Jesse Parrish:

On the other side of the continuum, on the other side of the spectrum of that is that means that we oftentimes have difficulty having frank conversations, challenging conversations. This was not helpful. This was harmful. This hurts, or this performance wasn’t what we expected. Those are very challenging conversations for us just culturally because we desire to be nice and care and to encourage and get the best out of folks.

 

Jesse Parrish:

What we also know based on what we teach, and based on our own desire that you have to have those hard conversations. You have to have some of those performance conversations in order to draw the best out of people. So there’s a little bit of context. Me personally, one of my natural drivers, I know this from my DISC assessment is this idea of harmony and support. I like working collaboratively with people and us doing so in a manner that is steady, that is not bouncing up and down, doesn’t have conflict. And so just naturally for me, I’m one of those poster child’s of it’s hard to have a challenging conversation, a difficult conversation.

 

Jesse Parrish:

In leading this department, though, I want us to have that. I have a vision of the future where we’re able to have those frank, honest, challenging conversations with one another that are edifying and build one another up. And are just like we said, they were vulnerable with one another. I have to lead out in that. I have to be an example of that. I have to do what I’ve been chewing on is seek understanding when it comes to these moments of friction or confusion or underperformance.

 

Jesse Parrish:

And I intentionally use that word seek understanding because it means I have to be proactive. I have to go after it and be the first one to say, I’m seeing this, I need to get these people in the room and we need to have this conversation. And I know it’s going to be hard. And I personally am going to have one of those respond with courage moments of leaning into something I’m really uncomfortable with in order to long term get something that is better, more vulnerable, more authentic, more genuine, and would increase and raise our performance standard as well.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So that’s even just a current right now. We’re in the midst of trying to reshape a little bit of our culture when it comes to performance conversations and having some of those crucial conflicts in our team in our department. So that is a current moment where I’m leaning in and having to turn up my assertiveness, turn up some of my stress tolerance because there’s moments where it’s just tense and terse. And really kind of hang in there personally in those challenging times,

 

Teddy Sanders:

Especially for the season that is the asterisk that is 2020.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Exactly.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Nothing is being done and is normal of what we’re used to. So we’re trying to switch to a new normal while still hoping that old normal will come back. And so being able to do that, getting to be kind of on the outside looking in and seeing that, definitely understand that.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Every one of those conversations will be a courageous conversation for me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get comfortable with them. I got to be okay with that if I want to get us where I want us to go.

 

Teddy Sanders:

I’ll be happy to stand in the gap and teach you how to have conflictual conversations.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Thank you, Ted.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Actually, he has me for that.

 

Teddy Sanders:

That is true.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

In this season of COVID-19 and being sequestered and stress levels elevating and people trying to figure out their roles in certain collaborative projects, I know for me there was an instance where it wasn’t going well. I was being consulted, but what I was consulting did not appear to be taken into consideration, which caused a very terse conversation to occur, which then necessitated me to actually pull that individual into a conversation with Jesse. And then that then ensued, and we were having a great conversation up until the point where the two of us became hijacked. And Jesse stepped in and said, “Okay, we’re done with this one. We’ll come back and we’ll re-address the issue at hand.”

 

Teddy Sanders:

Who got the yellow card, and who got the red card?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I think it was probably two red cards.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Okay, got you.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

So he blew the whistle and separated us. Now, again, responding with courage and the ability to accept ownership and responsibility in the moment, knowing I’m already assertive in nature, and just allow the emotions to run away even a little bit. It turned the conversation into I was told many years ago by a mentor of mine that once you raise your voice in an argument, whether you’re right or wrong, you’re wrong.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Because you’ve pretty much gone there. And that was what happened in this particular instance. But I still had to own that. I still had to come back to that with a three-part apology, and then work on that relationship. Trust has been damaged, but it’s being rebuilt. It happens, it’s not a perfect scenario. EQ is a journey, it is not a destination.

 

Teddy Sanders:

I think that journey has its kind of bifurcation points with each new relationship that you formulate. And as you get to know somebody and you get to, we here in the south, sometimes it’s like, “Man, I’m so glad I’m not like that person.” And it’s like-

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Bless their heart.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Yeah, that’s not a compliment. But it is that sort of thing of we [inaudible 00:25:07] it up, if you will, where it’s like, “But they have qualities that I really admire.” And it’s like, “Oh, cool. What about some of the other things that you admire about said person? Let’s focus on that.” So very unique place to be in as people are looking for more awareness.

 

Teddy Sanders:

I like what you said about five, six minutes ago on there are so many assessments out there, just so many. I’m a blue. I’m a golden retriever. I’m an ENFP. I’m an IS. I’m a two bifurcated wing at nine and one. Once again, don’t know what all that means. But as we look at it, what are some tools that we teach here at WinShape that we can send our audience away with, beside some of the activities that we’ve already talked about with the ladder, with the breathing, with the reframe and refocus, what are some other things?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I think one of the big ones and it comes back from the coach that gave me this idea is that humility doesn’t intimidate. And this idea of having 28 years in the military and having led at a pretty high level in the military, in the SEALs, then coming to an organization and being at the lower levels, it’s challenging. That’s a transitional hurdle that I’ve been trying to deal with.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

And this big thing was learn how to lead from the middle and learning how to lead from the middle is attitude is ask more questions, active listening, reflective listening. Being able to listen in such a way that you not only… I guess, for instance, would be my bride coming and talking to me, and then I can say everything that she said to me, doesn’t necessarily mean I actually heard what she had to say.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

So a mechanism that I try personally is I try to be present physically, but then present emotionally and eye to eye psychologically. So that may mean I either mute the TV or turn the TV off, face her and give her my body language. And then once she’s done talking, be able to give back to her what she said, not only what she said, how she felt when she said it, and what she was feeling when she said it. That has created a much better and a deeper relationship between us. And honestly, it keeps me from misunderstanding what she’s actually trying to tell me. Because I think I heard her but I really wasn’t even listening.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I actually use that same technique with my fellow co-workers. I try to engage them in such a way where I’m present and present, not trying to do a couple of different things like turn my phone off when it starts buzzing at me because I’m trained that way. But just how am I present and present for them? How do I honor them? I’m spending their time, how do I then give time back to them?

 

Teddy Sanders:

It’s the idea of present and presence. It’s that physical manifestation of your presence and your attention being then and there. What about you Jesse?

 

Jesse Parrish:

I think two sayings. One, is just be a student always. I had the opportunity to proofread one of the blogs that we have coming out by JB, one of our facilitation coordinators. She’s talking about great leaders are great students, and always learning and always being, coming back to that word curious. To learn from those that have gone before you or around you.

 

Jesse Parrish:

EQ starts with this idea of know yourself, be aware. And so what can you do to grow your awareness of yourself? Whether that be an assessment. I’m an assessment junkie like you, Teddy. I can list off probably 10 or 15 different results that I’ve had that are all different data points that helped me understand who I am and what themes are emerging for myself, my strengths, my gifts, my EQ, trends, all those things.

 

Jesse Parrish:

We can look at this idea of the Johari window if you guys want to look that up. Johari window, very simple idea of there’s things that you’re aware of, that you’re blind to, that are just potential, you don’t know about. And then there’s things that everyone knows about you. But ultimately this idea of that Johari window is grow your awareness, grow and expand what you know about yourself by asking others, receiving feedback and input.

 

Jesse Parrish:

So something that I try and do is regularly throughout the year, during my check-ins is just sit down and ask “Hey, how am I doing? What can I be doing better? What would help serve you or support you?” And being very intentional to gather more information and just be curious about how am I doing? Where am I? Grow that self-awareness piece.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Another tool that I use is this idea. I call it the rule of five truths that whenever there’s a decision to be made, or a path that you have to move forward, try and find five sources of credible information before you really instinctively make a decision. Now, that could be let me ask Chris, you are a source of credible information. Let me read from this thought leader. They are a credible source of information. What’s the data of our organization say about this particular topic? That’s a credible source of information.

 

Jesse Parrish:

But it keeps me from being rash and it keeps me hungry and curious to know that, man, I need to seek out this understanding. I need to find this information to help constantly inform my perspective, so that I’m hopefully leading well and leading in a steady and consistent manner.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Thank you guys. The last five weeks have been very enlightening, even for me across in my tiny table. I really appreciate it. We do have some questions that have come in. Jesse, which personality assessment do you find you lean most heavily on after your brave admittance of being an assessment junkie?

 

Jesse Parrish:

One thing, it’s good to know that there’s a difference between personality assessments, behavior assessments, temperament scales that man, if you get into that world, there’s lots of different nuances that are there. One that I’ve been consistently going back to that is a personality assessment is the Myers Briggs. It’s just tried and true and valid. A great tool that has a lot of information around that is 16personalities.com. You can take a free Myers Briggs Type Indicator assessment, and it gives you pages and pages of information on that type, which I’ve just found helpful, useful. I’ve used it in coaching and lots of conversations with others. Call me old fashioned but Myers Briggs.

 

Teddy Sanders:

I can appreciate that. I’m very similar in that arena. So, we’ll wait for a few more questions from our audience. In the meantime, we just want to thank everybody for being here over the last five weeks. Once again, if you have an idea on what you would like to hear more about in the future, please go ahead and put that in.

 

Teddy Sanders:

One of the questions I do want to ask you guys is that last one of being emotionally intelligent, being aware of that. Where have you found the biggest pitfall? Or do you find yourself being like, “I could say this, and I can get my way?” Or “I see this in you, and I don’t want you to fall down this path as well,” because maybe I myself have trod there before. What do you think is the hardest thing to bypass or the pitfall to hopefully step over instead of step in?

 

Jesse Parrish:

For me, it’s arrogance. Assuming that I know, or assuming that I’m better today than I was tomorrow, or that I am always getting better. And, man, I definitely have a tendency to because I know all these things to have this, especially with my wife, unfortunately, go into a conversation just assuming that I know better. She’s called me out on that many times. So, I’d say one of those big pitfalls, just personally check out is that personal sense of arrogance.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I think mine’s similar but different. I think it’s a level of grace, not only for others, but myself. And it’s having an awareness and knowing what some of these things are, but still stepping in it. And then having the grace to say, it happens, but what are you going to do about it? Literally living in this concept where it’s kind of some core beliefs that I have, then moving into behaviors and then feelings and not getting stuck in the feelings and behaviors where you’re only as good as your last rodeo. So then you’re okay I was great in the last show, I’m good today, I failed miserably there. I’m not so good. And oftentimes, there’s a lot of colorful language inside my head. So, I’m on my case there, not on my side.

 

Teddy Sanders:

I hope I get to the point because mine’s never in my head, it’s on my mouth.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Well, sometimes I’m thinking as kind of people are hearing it. And if that’s what I’m projecting, that’s what people are catching from me. So when I say that grace period is if I can’t have grace for myself because I’ve stepped in it in spite of all the knowledge and awareness that I have, then how am I having grace for others that step in it that just might just be unaware? Whether it’s people at work, my family members, the clerk behind the counter at the grocery store. I mean, it’s having that level of grace for myself allows me to have more grace for others.

 

Teddy Sanders:

Chris, as someone who wants to lead with excellence at any and every level, what helps you do that today?

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Wow, that’s a good question. What helps me do that today?

 

Teddy Sanders:

It was not a Teddy question. It was a [crosstalk 00:35:13] question.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I think it’s what’s really helped me is just the willingness to be open to, for me, this is a personal journey. And I know where I’d like to go. I know the Lord has a different destination for me. And it’s trying to learn to hear the narrative that’s guiding me to that one, and making it the same. So, I’m pursuing that in such a way and that’s what often I talk about the song Kenny Chesney’s build a better boat. I literally try to work on building a better me on a constant basis because I think that’s what he wants me to do, so that I’m more of the person for others that he wants me to be. That helps whether I’m teaming, leading, or following.

 

Teddy Sanders:

The idea of it’s always a process. Once you finish a project doesn’t mean it’s actually done. It just means there’s more things to shine up, there’s more edges to sand down, there’s more additions to add at times. It’s pretty much like owning a home in Rome, Georgia. Or at least that’s how it feels.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Well, it’s learning that it’s a journey. It’s not a sprint or a marathon because it really doesn’t end, it’s just a journey. It doesn’t have a destination. We can always pursue a higher level of excellence and service to those around us.

 

Teddy Sanders:

So one more question from our audience. Can an assessment be wrong? Would having a higher EQ lead you to realize it was wrong?

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yes, and yes.

 

Teddy Sanders:

And that’s it. We’ll see you guys later.

 

Jesse Parrish:

With that bombshell, we’re done. No, I think I’ve definitely taken assessments where I’ll read through and go, “I don’t know.” Now, the question I have to ask is I was the one answering the questions. So, did I answer them genuinely, authentically and in the way that would represent me well, as I know me? So you have to just ask that. But even if an assessment is wrong, that’s a good data point when you read it and go, “I don’t think so. That’s not quite true.”

 

Jesse Parrish:

Something that you can do is hand it to someone who does know you and go, “Hey, read this. Tell me what you think.” And they may be aligned with you and go “Yeah, that’s not you.” Well, boom, there’s some rays of awareness right there. You know what you are not. And so, yeah, assessments can definitely be wrong, question them, test them. You alluded to this earlier, they are not prescriptive, and they do not define you. They help describe you, and help your understanding.

 

Teddy Sanders:

How about if the image of it’s on a spectrum, right?

 

Jesse Parrish:

Yeah.

 

Teddy Sanders:

It’s all on this kind of three-dimensional grid pattern and your experience, your day, sometimes what you had to eat that day, who you’ve had interacted with, who you haven’t, can really help shape what that looks like.

 

Jesse Parrish:

That’s why I definitely recommend taking several, and don’t just put them on the shelf to dust them out. But every time you take one, pull them all out, read through them. And you alluded this, what themes emerge. Those are the truths that you want to highlight and lean on. It’s not just what this one assessment says. But these three generally tend to say this, you can bank on that being pretty accurate then.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

It’s also good to understand that a self-assessment is a point of identity. You’re creating an identity in a particular assessment, whether you’re looking at the Myers Briggs, the DISC, the EQI. It’s an identity in that. What you’d like to be able to do is become familiar with it enough to then take an assessment that’s more of a 360, where you’re inviting others to answer the same questions on you to kind of create that reputation that you have.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

Now you can do that with the EQ, you can have what you identify as your EQ. And I just did this with somebody that had pretty solid EQ. But then when he took it with those around him, there were definitely some deltas between what he was thinking of himself, and how they were perceiving what he was projecting. So he thought he was really empathetic. And they said, “Not so much,” in his peer group in the direct reports. His manager thought he was very empathetic.

 

Dr. Chris Auger:

I mean, there’s this somewhere in the middle is absolute truth. But to what Jesse said, is that when we have those themes, now, those are things that we can actually look at and ask more questions to those around us. Hey what is my empathy? And we can go to our different people groups that we have in our spheres of influence, and then kind of ask those questions and try to get an honest answer, so that we grow. Sometimes people don’t want to deliver the bad news like, “Dude, you have no empathy.”

 

Teddy Sanders:

14 years in paramedicine taught me that.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Teddy, to hijack. So unless there’s any more questions from the audience.

 

Teddy Sanders:

There are none. Thank you for staying a little bit longer with us today, audience.

 

Jesse Parrish:

Well, maybe to kind of wrap it up and give you even the final word. I pose a question to you as you’ve been listening and asking questions and seeking understanding. What’s something that you’ve taken away from these past five weeks that has been significant, impactful, or has affected kind of your day to day?

 

Teddy Sanders:

So it’s twofold. Watching myself on screen makes me realize I have been working too hard on my before body, not the after body. So got to change that. Secondly, I think a lot of what we kind of talked about our personalities do have a lot of similarities but also drastic differences. And how that idea of arrogance or pride or even not enough grace in those moments really do get in the way of, I think, greater awareness and greater emotional intelligence. I think what we said the other day of humility and curiosity. It’s something I wrote down in my daughter’s room of may we always stay humble. May we always stay curious. And may we always live near Chick-fil-A. And that’s kind of what I put.

 

Jesse Parrish:

It’s three things.

 

Teddy Sanders:

That’s three things. Once again, the before. But it really is that in order to have a good baseline, you have to have a good baseline within yourself. In order to talk about this to be considered a subject matter expert you’ve got to understand the you before you present it to the others. And so that’s been a big thing as well and how much I get to sell coaching and how much I need to coach especially in this season.

 

Teddy Sanders:

With that being said, thank you gentlemen so much for the last five weeks. We definitely don’t think that this will be the last. So once again, audience if you have any ideas, please let us know. We have a few kind of rolling around in the hopper. But we will continue through this process. We want to thank you guys.

 

Teddy Sanders:

If you guys have any questions, follow us on all the social medias, please. And if you have any qualms or concerns, that’s not the right thing. You can voice those, too. But if you want to learn more about WinShape Teams coaching, please reach out to us at teams.winshape.org/coaching. And if not, just Google it, you’ll find it. All right? So thank you again, and we hope that you guys have a great day.

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